You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
