Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
