i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
