Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
