Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize