if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
