thus making me awesome and them whores
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
