I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
