Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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