I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
