If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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