apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
