We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
