areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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