Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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