my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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