when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
