You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
