The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You have to summon your inner elephant
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
