dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My cat gives me a boner
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize