I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
