I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
