I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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