HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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