I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
