I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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