dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
