There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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