You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
