when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
