I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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