I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
