anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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