Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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