i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Randomize
