He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
