I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
