just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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