Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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