I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
