I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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