Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
