I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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