I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
