My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
