So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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