New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
