This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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