I'm so fucking centered right now
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
