Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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