There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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