the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
