Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
