Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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