all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize