mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
