I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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