She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
