oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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