If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
