I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
