you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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