btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think I sprained my soul last night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
